


Eros et Thanatos

by Skraeling



Series: Daemons!AU [2]
Category: The Expanse (TV), The Expanse Series - James S. A. Corey
Genre: Angst, Eros incident, F/M, Graphic descriptions of medical stuff, Hurt/Comfort, I just wanna give Holden and Miller a big hug, Protomolecule, So much angst, daemon!AU - Freeform, set after the Eros Incident
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-03
Updated: 2020-02-03
Packaged: 2021-02-28 05:15:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,196
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22548403
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skraeling/pseuds/Skraeling
Summary: In the tv series, they skipped over most of the aftermath of the Eros incident which is one of my favourite parts of Leviathan Wakes as I'm a sucker for hurt/comfort, so I've written my own version that I think we should have seen in the tv show. Of course, I had to include daemons in it as I seem to be completely unable to write anything without them in atm. Contains graphic description of illness and medical procedures
Relationships: Jim Holden/Naomi Nagata
Series: Daemons!AU [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1587331
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	Eros et Thanatos

**Author's Note:**

> I may have watched a video of a thyroidectomy for writing this. Did I end up using it? No. Did I really need to do it? Nope. Did I want to? Hell Yes. Medical stuff fascinates me. 
> 
> For anyone who doesn't know what daemons are;  
> \- daemons are the physical manifestation of someone's soul in animal form  
> \- the animal form reflects a person's personality  
> \- daemons can talk  
> \- daemons can only go a certain distance away from their people (ie a couple of metres or so)  
> \- daemons can feel their person's pain and vice versa
> 
> Jim's daemon is Sinoe (sin-oh-ay) a [ Leonberger ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.akc.org%2Fdog-breeds%2Fleonberger%2F&psig=AOvVaw1KZDbD-N06j3pwytQgxjvc&ust=1580848300155000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCOi57_2ctucCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE)  
> Naomi's daemon is Ijin (ee-gin) a [ Eurasian Jackdaw ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F300896818837042145%2F&psig=AOvVaw31-Ail12xfZ7sz7klGS76A&ust=1580848397562000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCIDaqKydtucCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAE)  
> Alex's daemon is Antariska (ant-ah-risk-ah) a [Eurasian red squirrel ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.pinterest.com%2Fpin%2F339458890637137921%2F&psig=AOvVaw0qIGtIA3U11Ua3WOllTdOI&ust=1580848618716000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCMD1xpWetucCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAD) (yes I know Alex is Texan but red squirrels are the cutest and Alex deserves the cutest)  
> Amos' daemon is Atti a [ Grizzly bear ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&url=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.outsideonline.com%2F2400334%2Fwhere-go-spot-grizzly-bear&psig=AOvVaw2TB6i2pWlZFhnTKX1d3Wqc&ust=1580848723077000&source=images&cd=vfe&ved=0CAIQjRxqFwoTCJCN1ceetucCFQAAAAAdAAAAABAP)   
> Miller's daemon is Raida (rider) a [ whippet ](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fvetstreet.brightspotcdn.com%2Fdims4%2Fdefault%2Fe46bd42%2F2147483647%2Fcrop%2F0x0%252B0%252B0%2Fresize%2F645x380%2Fquality%2F90%2F%3Furl%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fvetstreet-brightspot.s3.amazonaws.com%252F43%252F218c10a81011e0a0d50050568d634f%252Ffile%252FWhippet-2-645mk062911.jpg&imgrefurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.vetstreet.com%2Fdogs%2Fwhippet&tbnid=3VbRqtNepxV5tM&vet=12ahUKEwjorOX-nrbnAhUMGt8KHbOfARwQMygCegUIARCKAg..i&docid=29vwAM5wRPKgWM&w=645&h=380&q=whippet%20dog&ved=2ahUKEwjorOX-nrbnAhUMGt8KHbOfARwQMygCegUIARCKAg)  
> If you wanna know about why I made these desicions post a comment down below- I have loads of info!

Pain shot through Holden’s limbs as he slumped against the wall of the airlock, Sinoe clambered clumsily over an outstretched leg then slumped down into his lap. They both trembled with the effort, and Holden found it difficult to tell where his shaking started and Sinoe’s began. Miller’s laboured steps clanked heavily against the metal ladder, the simple metal platform descending under Raida’s weight. With a shaking arm, Holden reached up to press on the comms button. 

“Hello? Anyone there?” He called chest heaving with the effort. He pressed the button again for good measure, then let his arm drop against the floor. His other hand wound into Sinoe’s long fur. Pain rippled through him like waves; everything from his teeth, to the roots of every hair on his body, ached. There was a pop in his ear, which filled with heat, then wetness trickled down the side of his face and seeped into his collar. The heat was almost pleasant against his cool skin. Sinoe crawled as best she could up his chest, covering his shivering, trembling form in her comfortingly warm bulk. She licked at his cheek, trying to clear the blood from his skin. The taste of iron bloomed in his mouth again, an echo of what she tasted. 

Miller’s body slammed onto the airlock doors with a loud thunk and he groaned in pain, blood dribbling from the corner of his mouth. Holden watched through slitted eyes as Miller lay there for a few long moments. Just when it got to the point that Holden thought Miller wasn’t going to move, he heaved his body out of the divot in the floor. He reached out one long arm, scooping Raida up off the cold metal and pulling her trembling form into his lap. 

“We made it,” Holden grunted, shutting his eyes against a wave of nausea. 

“Didn’t doubt it,” Miller replied, the attempt at levity half-hearted. 

Holden was quiet for a few minutes. There was nothing from the comms. “She left. Good girl,” Holden muttered; referring to Naiomi as a girl wouldn’t have sat right with him normally, but at that point, his brain was so fuzzy that thinking of any words more than a syllable was beyond him. He was glad that his crew would be safe, away from here. He was gladder that he wouldn’t be dying alone. A cough racked his whole body, jostling Sinoe until she whined in pain. 

“I thought that if I could find Julie I’d finally know something,” Miller said. Holden opened his eyes (he didn’t remember shutting them) and looked at him for a moment. Miller didn’t explain what he thought that he might know, but Holden didn’t have the energy to expend on philosophical rambling. 

“You found her,” Holden reminded him. Miller just looked at him, dark brown eyes sad, looking exactly like Raida. There was something he’d heard as a child- that dogs looked just like their owners? Yes, that was it. The physical resemblance between the skinny belter and his whippet daemon was almost uncanny. It was almost enough to make Holden laugh. Almost. 

“Yeah,” He agreed head rolling away from Holden. The airlock hissed and slid open. Holden couldn’t understand what that meant. 

“It’s beautiful,” Miller murmured quietly, staring down into the void that had opened in the floor.  
_What was beautiful_ Holden wondered. He heaved himself up to peer over the edge of the airlock. Amos stood in the lift, Atti crowding the small space, both staring up at them blankly. 

“You look like shit,” Amos commented bluntly. 

That was enough to force a huff of a laugh from Holden. He poked at Sinoe gently, so she shuffled off of his lap. He pushed himself forward to the edge of the lift so that his legs dangled over the edge. He stared at the half-meter drop forlornly, not feeling like he had the strength to catch himself without falling onto Atti. Atti met his gaze, then poked her nose into Amos’ side. The big man understood the gesture and moved forward to support Holden as he lowered himself down. Holden had a flash of memory of Father Cesar doing the same thing for him when he was very young and scared of the deepwater of the public swimming pool in the nearby town. 

Amos pulled Holden’s arm around his shoulder as Atti stood up on her hind legs, gently taking Sinoe’s scruff between her teeth, then lowering her onto the floor of the lift. Miller was tall enough that he barely had to fall before his feet hit the floor, but his knees gave way regardless. Amos caught him deftly and slung his arm over his shoulder so that it rested over Holden’s. Atti retrieved Raida, then Holden reached out to press the lift button. 

Entering the Roci sent a wave of familiar sent rolling over Holden and he let his eyes fall shut as he stumbled along beside Amos. The echo of a gentle sway from Atti carrying Sinoe and Raida was enough to send another wave of nausea through Holden. 

Amos deposited Miller in a crash couch on the ops deck, then all but carried Holden to his. Naiomi was there, clutching two autodocks in her hands. She shoved one at Amos, moving toward Holden, but Alex intercepted her, talking in a low voice so Holden couldn’t hear him. Atti delicately strapped Sinoe into the daemon section of his couch. Naiomi smiled at him, then clamp the autodock around his left arm. A quick pain stung his arm as the needle from the autodock slid into it. 

“You waited,” Holden murmured, staring at Naiomi’s beautifully dark eyes. “Knew I was right about you.”  
Naiomi smiled at him gently, “being in charge is a shit job. You can have it.”  
Alex yelled something from the flight deck, but Holden could work out what he said over the trickle of blood from his other ear. 

“Deal with it, Alex!” Naiomi yelled; it sounded like she was underwater. She turned back to him and smiled, then glared quickly at the autodock which had flipped to hospice mode, pumping him full of its small reserves of morphine and sedatives.  
The Roci jerked and Naiomi rushed to a couch and buckled herself in, tucking Ijin against her chest. It was all Holden could do to turn his head away to vomit up a mixture of bile, blood and stomach lining. 

Soon they were burning at a full g; straddling the fine line between getting away from Eros as fast as possible, making sure they didn’t put Miller’ or Holden’s bodies already ravaged bodies under too much strain and maintaining the right gravity for optimal healing. Naiomi unbuckled herself from her couch, using a vacuum deftly to clear up the mess from the floor. Ijin fluttered over to Sinoe, landing on her head, and set about grooming her ears. 

Feeling a little steadier Holden gazed at her and noticed the splattered blood across her face. “You have blood on your face.”

“It’s not mine,” She tells him quietly. “We saved a few. We should have saved more.”

“We will,” Holden tells her, using the last of his energy to take her hand in his. 

Holden groaned as bile rose in his throat, “Ni-” is all he has time to get out before bile starts to dribble out of his mouth. Gentle hands reached around his shoulders, moving him so the bile splatters onto the floor instead of into his lap. His eyes were shut before his stomach had finished spasming.

_______________________________________________________________________

“Alex, we good?” Naiomi called up to him, unable to keep the panic out of her voice. Jim is somehow even paler than he had been than 20 minutes ago when Amos had dragged him in. Blood, bile and something limp and dark covered the deck beside his couch. Blood and sweat covered his skin and he was trembling hard, even with the medicine that the autodock had been pumping him with. Speaking of, the autodock beeped and switched itself to hospice mode. She glared at it savagely, jabbing at the screen until it reluctantly switched back to trying to keep him alive. 

“We’re good,” Alex assured her. 

“Amos?” She turned to the big man. 

“Sure thing boss,” He told her, moving over to Jim. “You’d better keep an eye on this one while I take the Cap’ through.” He gestured with his thumb to Miller. He scooped Jim up in a surprisingly gentle grasp, careful to keep Jim’s head up so he wouldn’t choke on his own vomit. Jim wasn’t particularly small by any means, his height around where the shorter Belters were and covered in muscle in a way that a belter could never be. But at that moment he looked very small, making Naiomi’s heart ache. 

Unlike Jim, Miller was just about clinging to consciousness. “We’re going to get you stable,” She promised him gently. 

“Don’t doubt it,” He grunted through gritted teeth. 

Ijin gently ran his beak over Raida’s head and neck. She whined beneath the touch and tried to huddle closer to his tiny warmth. 

Amos returned a couple of minutes later, his overalls worryingly stained with blood. Atti scooped up Raida, and Ijin hopped onto Atti’s shoulder, bright eyes watching the unconscious daemon warily. 

In the med bay, Amos had settled Jim onto the middle bed that he normally used; with Jim firmly unconscious he’d hooked a suction tube into his mouth to prevent him choking and settled his arm into the dock before returning. In the meantime, the dock had done a full body scan, which caused Naiomi’s stomach to sink. Jim had been exposed to a dose of radiation that far surpassed the lethal limit. She was surprised he’d lived so long. Ijin burrowed into the thick fur of Sinoe’s neck until only the very tip of his beak could be seen. 

Blue blooms of cancer, eerily reminiscent of the blue protomolecule spikes, showed all over the scan. “What’s the first priority?” She commanded the computer. Alex joined her. 

The screen stopped scrolling through a long list of problems and showed a close up of Jim’s neck. _Thyroid gland fully colonised by cancerous cells. 90% chance these cells will spread to the lymphatic system if not immediately removed_ it told her. 

“Ok, ok,” Naiomi took a deep breath. “Alex is there a thyroid pump in here? Amos, run as many iv’s as the system thinks necessary.” 

“Yep,” Alex replied, rushing over to fetch it. 

“Sure thing boss,” Amos replied, whilst studying the screen before him. 

“Bring up instructions for how to remove a thyroid,” she commanded the system. It looked like she was going to perform her first surgery on the man that she was falling even more in love with every day that passed. Fuck. 

Alex took pity on her, “I’ll do it,” he told her gently, handing her the thyroid pump. “You get this ready.” 

Naiomi smiled at him gratefully. She synced the pump with a med screen, instructions scrolling up onto the screen. While Alex and Amos murmured in the background, she sterilised her hands, then opened the kit the pump came with and set about modifying the pump to fit Jim’s needs. 

Once they were ready, Alex carefully followed the instructions, with Amos prompting him while keeping half an eye on Miller. Alex’s part only took 15 minutes, leaving Naiomi with the final step of settling the pump in the gap left by the lump of tissue that barely resembled what the med system thought it should. Sealing the pump to the arteries and veins was similar enough to splice a new part into wiring that she was able to turn off the part of her mind that was shrieking at her in horror. 

Fortunately, Amos took over when it came to stitching the wound back together; the yellow bubbles of fascia had been tucked out of the way enough for her to ignore them before, but focusing on them made her gorge rise. After that, it was a matter of inserting various drains and a catheter, then cleaning up the streaks of blood from his clammy skin. 

Taking care of Miller was much easier, although removing part of his small bowel was a more technically demanding job, it just didn’t feel so much like butchering one of her family members. It was still mentally taxing though, and once they were done she retreated to her cabin to scrub her skin free of blood. In truth, she really should have gone and had a proper shower, but she couldn’t bear thinking about spending much time away from Jim. 

Back in the med bay, she paused in the door to really look at Jim. Laying there on the bed, not even breathing for himself, he looked vulnerable in a way she’d never seen him before. In her mind, he was always so vital, but here she really had to confront the fact that he’d been barely hanging on to life when they’d found him. His skin had gone from ashen to red and pealing, which was one thing she could do something about. It took a bit of rummaging, but she eventually found a salve that would work on radiation burns. Taking generous globs of it, she worked it gently into his skin, letting the methodical motions calm her. She didn’t realise that she had begun to cry until her eyes started to blur. 

Gentle footsteps, which sounded weird without the normal clank of the magnets, disturbed her not too long after. Hurridly, she dashed the tears away and turned to face Alex. He looked wrung out but better for the shower he’d taken. Without needing to ask, he scooped her into a hug. She sobbed into his chest, and it didn’t take long for her to feel his own tears dampen her hair. Eventually, they broke apart then sat by Jim’s bed together in tired silence. 

Atti lumbered in not long after. She settled herself on the deck next to Sinoe, using her teeth to gently pull Sinoe into the hollow of her belly; both Ijin and Antariska join them. Naiomi had initially been surprised to see how far Atti could go from Amos, but eventually just accepted it as one of the big man’s odd quirks. She could feel Jim relax a little as the other daemons settled around Sinoe. 

“He’ll be ok,” Antariska told her.  
“Yeah,” Alex added, “I’m pretty sure our equipment here is better than at most hospitals.” 

Naiomi hummed in agreement, trying to believe it. 

________________________________________________________________________

Rain splattered on his forehead, pasting his curls against his face, which he would push out of his eyes every so often. A stiff breeze blew spray off of the sea, leaving salt crusted on his skin. Holden wasn’t sure that he liked the salt- it was itchy on his skin and made his lips tingle. But his parents were all happy and smiling, so he was happy and smiling. Sinoe loved being a sea otter, rolling and tumbling in the surf, every time a wave broke over her head she made happy squeaking sounds. When his parents had told him that they were going to the sea-side, he’d imagined white sand, blue sky and palm trees, like the pictures at school. But those places were very far away, his parents told him, or else unclean. So here he was, on a pebbly beach with the grey sky above and dark cliffs looming over them all. 

Sticky, red, sugary liquid dripped down his arm and onto the cuff of his favourite striped top. It was a very pretty blue with little puffy cartoon clouds on. It matched his wellies, which were also stripy with clouds on. Lunch had been the best, filled with all his favourite foods, including real a beef burger and a cake that had coffee flavoured icing (he wasn’t allowed to have real coffee yet, but when his parents left half-finished mugs unattended, he’d always sneak some). 

“I wanna stay here forever and ever!” He declared to the sky above him, slumping back onto the pebbles and giggling. 

Suddenly the sea washed up over his face, taking away his ability to breathe. He sat up, gasping for air, and tried to get to his feet. The puddles kept rolling and tumbling beneath his scrabbling feet, sending him face-first into the water again and again. “Sinoe!” He cried desperately, but his daemon was nowhere to be seen. The water came up over his face again. This time he couldn’t feel the ground under him. He tried to get to the surface, but suddenly he remembered that he couldn’t swim. 

Something wrapped around him, dragging him further down beneath the water. Then there was something in his mouth. It hurt and he cried out in pain as much as he could while he couldn’t breathe. He was gonna die. He was gonna die and Sinoe wasn’t there. 

“-im.” Something called to him, muffled through the water. 

“Jim,” Someone was calling his name. Maybe they were there to rescue him!

“Jim,” The voice was right next to him, but it was dark and he couldn’t breathe!

“Jim!” His eyes launched open. Naiomi hovered above him, eyes wide in panic. “Jim, I know it hurts, but you’ve got to calm down.” 

Holden did as he was told, although it was extremely difficult. It still felt like he was suffocating, but if Naiomi told him to be calm, he trusted her to be correct. 

“Jim we had to intubate you; your lungs started to fail. We can take it out soon, I promise, but not yet. Ok?” Naiomi told him, tone soft. 

Holden tried to nod, but it tugged on the tube painfully, tears ran down the side of his face into his hair. Naiomi wiped them away with soft fingers. 

“You should go back to sleep,” She told him, carding his hair gently with her fingers. Holden nodded and let sleep pull him away from consciousness.

Muffled music woke Holden- he wasn’t sure how long it had been, but the tube had been taken away and his throat felt sore. Something warm and soft gripped his hand; he followed the soft brown skin up to the worn cuff of a jumpsuit, up over the patches to Naiomi’s face. She was smiling gently at him, Ijin peering through her hair- silver-blue eyes bright in the low light. 

“Hey,” She said gently, “You alright?” 

Despite the deep ache throughout his whole body and the sharp pain in his throat Holden felt safe for the first time since seeing Julie Mao’s mangled body. 

“I will be,” He croaked, the words just about intelligible. 

“Good,” Ijin chirped, then hopped off of Naiomi’s shoulder onto Holden’s chest. He could feel the tiny warm weight settle onto his breastbone and a quick brush of feathers against his throat. Naiomi sighed softly, her eyes crinkling in the little smile she reserved for Amos when he was joking about with Alex or Alex when he made his favourite dishes for them all. Holden was going to be fine.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm probably gonna write more for this series, but I don't have any ideas atm. Of course, comments and kudos will get another instalment written quicker!


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